Thursday, November 22, 2007

Ideas for Show and Tell

We don’t really have a tradition of Show and Tell in the Philippines, but I’d like to imagine that when asked to bring something that is important to a student’s life, he or she shouldn’t be stuck to the usual items like baby pictures or favorite toys or a piece of his/ her parents’ wedding cake (half-eaten cake older than you are would make a good bribe anyway).

Here, in the spirit of creativity and going against the flock (flying against the wave?), are some ideas for a truly memorable Show and Tell, along with the explanations behind them:

Photo of bride and groom after the ceremony
“Daddy says this was taken a few minutes before I was conceived. He says if you look really close, you can see the alcove they snuck into after the ceremony. Some priests still avoid it to this day.”

Glow in the dark condom (broken)
“Mommy didn’t want to take pills and daddy hadn’t gotten his vasectomy yet so this is what they were stuck with. Obviously, it didn’t work very well.”

White thong (used)
“This was what mommy had on, or more accurately, off, when I was conceived.”

Empty martini glass
“This used to contain a lychee martini. It was what my mom was drinking when she found out she was pregnant. I think she drank a few dozen more after, you know, to steel herself for nine months of sobriety.”

Picture of cow in a field
“This is the cow that my visiting grandmother mistook for her beloved daughter two weeks before I was born. I hear my mother was not amused.”

Jar of fat
“This used to belong to my mommy. She had it sucked out of her right after I was born. Aren’t doctors great?”

Photo of a room filled with the latest games, gadgets and toys
“This is daddy’s play room. I’m allowed to look, but not to touch. He says I can have my own Mazinger Z figure and comic book collection when I grow up.”

DVDs of A Clockwork Orange, Fight Club and Sneakers
“Mommy and daddy think Barney is for sissies. They say these films build character. When I grow up, I want to wear bowler hats and beat people up, too.”

With show and tell items like these, my kid is sure to get an A! Any teacher who thinks otherwise has been watching too much Barney. Now class, what’s the first rule of Fight Club?

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